I recently returned from a trip to the UK where I stayed with some old friends. They send their child to the local primary Catholic school which is significantly superior to the government fund schools.

During the pandemic lockdown, no one in the community was able to attend church. When lockdown ended, the return to weekly Sunday mass was somewhat lackadaisical.

The local priest, who is apparently a big fan of Tesco Clubcard, decided to use the power of loyalty to attract his flock back to Jesus. He implemented a holy, Vatican-endorsed sticker loyalty program. Parishioners earn a sticker when they attend mass, which they stick on a specially designed card with their child’s name on it.

When it is time for the primary school students to ascend to the Catholic high school, parents are required to present their card as proof that they and their child have been attending church. Without this, they may not be accepted to the school, condemning the child to the hell realm of the government funded education system.

‘Wait’, you are thinking, ‘why don’t the mothers band together and make some counterfeit stickers?’ The priest, who is clearly much cleverer than mere mortals, releases a different sticker design each Sunday, with only the most devout followers selected to distribute them at the end of the service. Ultimate power is found in the most unusual places.

Is there any problem that loyalty programs cannot solve? Without doubt, the finest loyalty reward on the planet is the saving of a child’s soul.

Amen.